It's taken awhile to accept this. i haven't wanted to think about this, and i certainly didn't want to feel it. i gave my heart, sweat, for lack of a cheesier statement, my ALL to this band. Walking away and giving all the dedication and work a funeral so quiet, undeserved and perhaps premature leans heavy on me. The work of partnership building a feeling and momentum was so refreshing and liberating. To know that we came together to make ourselves bigger and better into something we all loved is hard to duplicate. The energy that carried us forward gave me hopes for dreams that have always been secreted in journals and in the birthday wishes you know could never come true... somehow though this felt like maybe, on the outside chance, there was enough given to this that together we could make it count.
i'd like to feel that i was part of something special, and special to more than just three lovers of music. i'd like to imagine that in some way the work and successes marked other peoples memories. i want to say that the Sinsters were always great, but all things have moments of hurt and embarasement, this is no exception. Looking past the hard times, giving myself the due i feel i've earned and moving forward in the things i love help but it does not entirely save me or shake the sense of loss. Maybe that's the point, maybe the point is the hard parts, maybe the hard points are what make this mine all the more. i'm being tempered by this, much in the same way i carved my love for music into something physical. i do not want to become tempered steel, i do not want to believe that is the best of what i have to offer, i do not want to believe that i have lost something i could never feel again.
Like i said, i didn't and don't want to feel all of this but it's over now. Slowly down this road i walk, and slowly i recognize how much i loved, hurt and have to accept this... and yeah, that's just something in my eye.
R.I.P. the Sinsters 2004-2010 ~ Are you ready? Well, i'm Ready...
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