Hymns of Emergency

Being a promoter for the need to be connected to people, to the physical life, adventures and activities in the real world i have been finding myself more and more in the midst of strong feelings of being disconnected. My current feelings about best laid plans and my level of energy has begun to haunt me. Being exhausted leads to an increase in the feelings of disconnectedness but also makes me feel as though i haven't slept for four days after having just woken. Black and blue through and through, dreaming of the past and future fully aware that it is an attempt to deal with my current private SOS that i'm drowning in. Preparez-vous...
Black and blue, there's nothing i can do, and usually i feel as though there's nothing i can't do. So how to shake the shivers and aches?
Old habits die hard, and knowing that the feelings of disconnect are linked to sadness and realizing that i have been left behind and have removed a limb covered in old, well-earned and loved scars. To be in, but on the outside of in... to feel it, but to not know where you'll be standing once you're back standing instead of lying flat and weak. But it's very new territory after having been so used to being a part of the service, a part of the action, a man of the hymns of danger and sweat.
Guess i'm just jealous and feeling left out.

Breathing hard? Naw, it's just something in my Eye.

It's taken awhile to accept this. i haven't wanted to think about this, and i certainly didn't want to feel it. i gave my heart, sweat, for lack of a cheesier statement, my ALL to this band. Walking away and giving all the dedication and work a funeral so quiet, undeserved and perhaps premature leans heavy on me. The work of partnership building a feeling and momentum was so refreshing and liberating. To know that we came together to make ourselves bigger and better into something we all loved is hard to duplicate. The energy that carried us forward gave me hopes for dreams that have always been secreted in journals and in the birthday wishes you know could never come true... somehow though this felt like maybe, on the outside chance, there was enough given to this that together we could make it count.

i'd like to feel that i was part of something special, and special to more than just three lovers of music. i'd like to imagine that in some way the work and successes marked other peoples memories. i want to say that the Sinsters were always great, but all things have moments of hurt and embarasement, this is no exception. Looking past the hard times, giving myself the due i feel i've earned and moving forward in the things i love help but it does not entirely save me or shake the sense of loss. Maybe that's the point, maybe the point is the hard parts, maybe the hard points are what make this mine all the more. i'm being tempered by this, much in the same way i carved my love for music into something physical. i do not want to become tempered steel, i do not want to believe that is the best of what i have to offer, i do not want to believe that i have lost something i could never feel again.
Like i said, i didn't and don't want to feel all of this but it's over now. Slowly down this road i walk, and slowly i recognize how much i loved, hurt and have to accept this... and yeah, that's just something in my eye.

R.I.P. the Sinsters 2004-2010 ~ Are you ready? Well, i'm Ready...

First in Eight Years

The energy and refreshing energy of a really big first is somethings that seems rare of these by-gone days and nights. To feel the excitement, oh and the nervousness, racing throughout the night. After three, four, or five recordings, finally having a release party and a well put together release gave it a feeling of legitimacy and importance that i'd never had before. A celebration for something of which i am very proud of, and vinyl to boot.
i love music. It's one of the few things in my life that i feel has the ability to be limitless, truly limitless. Music has been a part of my life for as long as i can remember, and so many memories have a music element ingrained in them. To create a memory based on a piece of music that i had a part in feels natural in many ways, like destiny in others, and as though it's something i could never have imagined being a hand in.
i love the people that have helped me come this far, and i want to thank them.

There are people i wish that i could have shared this with from years and days gone-by, but it is not an issue of lament. Sometimes the best things bring up ideas about what make it special.

Panic and the Shape of Things to Come

Where did all this panic come from? It's as though one minute i'm fine the next i'm shaking and panicked... actually that's exactly what it is. As this short month full of so many events, assignments and other various agenda filling things rolls along i'm hoping it'll relax. The hope that once one or two things is off your plate then perhaps there can be some sort of attempted relaxation, or maybe i'll have burnt out my synapses from the fits of panic and be forced into a medically induced coma to recover. i bet comas are good sleeping too.
Waiting for March to arrive is the idea, but the knowledge that this month will be a full on sprint really doesn't have me jumping for joy, rather ducking for cover and hoping some will come to my rescue (Superman, Spiderman... anybody out there?!).
Long dark, cold nights ahead. Little sleep ahead. Little free time ahead... not that i've really had much of that over the past couple years.

Just trying to maintain this course towards that impending shore. Eyes on the horizon.

Is This It?

It's this time of year. Exhausted, overworked, stressed beyond belief and it's par for the course. How can  shake this feeling? Can i?

Can i trust things enough to bail me out of this stupid fucking endeavor? i'm not sure that i do trust, but i am hopeful. The fall out, even potential, makes me sick to my stomach and has on more than one occasion made me light headed. Here's to having your head on the chopping block and trusting that someone who has a tarnished track record come to your rescue. Off with my head... Bout that time of year. 

Two Successes Spell One Failure

It's time to get past all of this. We so often seem willing to forget, or perhaps deny, that there is always something at stake. Time, joy, goals, life. A powerful list full of potential that we're all chasing.  The chasing is what becomes the problem, i believe. So often the hope for success, the work towards success teaches us little. We become accustomed to it, it seems normal, maybe because we live in an age of mediocrity or maybe because it's easier to push people forward and then forget them. Yet, where are the lessons in those moments?
Illness has been rushing through me all week when considering that even with what under different circumstances be seen as a success, a strong success, will become a failure. It reminds me of the lessons of failure and how much more that has the ability to teach you, but in this situation it hasn't had the same of dire straits feel as other failures. A loss of time, a loss of respect, a loss of self-confidence, and potential for a much, much more significant loss lies down that road, those feelings and ideas scare me most of all. What if this goal can never be completed? What if i've gone as far as i can already? Perhaps it's a victory because you've maximized on potential and become something you never imagined. But you cannot celebrate a victory when standing over the grave of one of your dreams.
i dreamt i bought someone a Christmas present that was a tombstone. Maybe i bought it for the dreams i'm going to have to bury...