It's almost time to celebrate my annual entry into the world, the planet of free choices and complex feelings, and with this anniversary comes my most hated annual happening. i receive gifts, which are fine, if nothing more than a show of love, but i cannot stand the gift of clothes. It is so rare that i get some article of clothing that i truly love as a gift that in all my life i can only imagine one or two times it happening.
Now that in itself is not the end of the world, but the guilt and feelings of letting someone down who bought you a gift is so common for me but also still so uncomfortable and excruciating, especially as they ask the inevitable question: "Do you like it?" You lie, of course (never hurt the feelings of one giving you a gift, ever!), but the lie doesn't reach your eyes, if you're lucky it might even reach your mouth so that you can crack a con-man's smile to match your lie. You feel the lie heavy and deep in your heart and mind, the guilt of it all holding so tight you that you can taste it and imagine it again any time the thought of the gift crossed your memory. Trying not to think how long you'll have to hold onto this till it can 'magically' disappear.
Many times i would so much rather get no gift at all than to have to feel the heavy guilt, mild disappointment and to see the hurt feelings of the gift-er. If anyone on the planet actually reads this, and is in a position to buy me gift at any time in my life, heed my cry and do us both a favour, do not buy me clothing as a gift, especially a black tee shirt you're certain i'll love. It's just easier all the way around.
With love, here's to annual disappointment.
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