Don't-cha Hold Nuthin' Back

It kills me, i feel guilty through and through, and always at this time of year it happens... another annual tradition i could do without.
It's almost time to celebrate my annual entry into the world, the planet of free choices and complex feelings, and with this anniversary comes my most hated annual happening. i receive gifts, which are fine, if nothing more than a show of love, but i cannot stand the gift of clothes. It is so rare that i get some article of clothing that i truly love as a gift that in all my life i can only imagine one or two times it happening.
Now that in itself is not the end of the world, but the guilt and feelings of letting someone down who bought you a gift is so common for me but also still so uncomfortable and excruciating, especially as they ask the inevitable question: "Do you like it?" You lie, of course (never hurt the feelings of one giving you a gift, ever!), but the lie doesn't reach your eyes, if you're lucky it might even reach your mouth so that you can crack a con-man's smile to match your lie. You feel the lie heavy and deep in your heart and mind, the guilt of it all holding so tight you that you can taste it and imagine it again any time the thought of the gift crossed your memory. Trying not to think how long you'll have to hold onto this till it can 'magically' disappear.
Many times i would so much rather get no gift at all than to have to feel the heavy guilt, mild disappointment and to see the hurt feelings of the gift-er. If anyone on the planet actually reads this, and is in a position to buy me gift at any time in my life, heed my cry and do us both a favour, do not buy me clothing as a gift, especially a black tee shirt you're certain i'll love. It's just easier all the way around.

With love, here's to annual disappointment.

Consideration 6 Days A-Week

The through and through consideration of where this is meant to end, or start again in another sense is difficult to recognize. Endless feelings of mistrust have not always been the way of it, but it has become our shared and mutual existence. All and all there has been a passing by of better days towards one of parody and lies. i question who sees the lies, better yet i question why we need to tell ourselves, us, you, me, him, the lies. Why do i choose to hear them and let them pass?
i hate so much of what we do now. There are so few things that we do now that have any resemblance to what we once were, or are capable of together. Let's destroy it, cause it's destroying me to be a part of this lackluster and listless has-been story. Tumbling backwards, pretending that there is forward momentum but that has been in short supply for a long, long time. i pray to heaven, and to hell, to anyone who will listen that i don't have to be the reason that this disintegrates, but as long as the lies fall heavy and hard from those involved how else can i be free?

i can handle being hated, it's the disappointment from one person that is hardest to think of bearing.

Working to Kill Yourself

Long and lean, that's been the taste of things. Anything that's been extra has been trimmed. You are without ears, half your fingers and toes, half of a thigh...
This is the year that has changed everything, and meant it. You ignore the rumours and the mouths that never cease. You've heard it all before, and it's always tolerable or better. This time you stepped into the grind-house and didn't notice the blood on the floor. It starts with nicks, and scrapes, and just as that seems like the norm the floor falls out.
The mix and change of all of this has been like walking into a spear, knowing it hurts and it is painful but you do not know where the end of the spear is. Is there an end?
Don't bother getting out the bandages, don't bother trying to improve the situation, don't think about survival, just make it so.

Hypo-Scholastic Shock

Looking for answers in all of the wrong places, even with hours and days dedicated to the understanding. Where to turn...

Haven't felt like this in years, haven't cried like this in years, haven't been this disappointed in myself ever.

Sometimes your best isn't enough, and honestly this semester has had that feel for me the whole time. It's as though i'm trying to gain my balance but have to stand at a 45 degree angle; you never feel right and you never gain a sense of confidence on your feet.

So you look to the future that looked so bright, and watch it turn to ashes. Banish those old familiar, hope filled dreams, that helped you stay focussed and instead trade them in for nothing.

Here's to nothing.

Cheers.